Harry Porter and the Stoned Sorcerer
by riterandreader
Summary: A playparody I wrote for my friends and I to act while I was bored last summer. Rated for strong crude humor, and some minor sexual themes. Funnier if said than read.


Harry Porter and the Stoned Sorcerer

NARRATOR: once upon a time – actually, it was last week, you stupid kids! Pre-teens these days… tsk … Where was I? Oh, yes. In some one's backyard or another, in a dumpster, lay a kid. This was no special kid, by any standards, hell no! But just because a wizard with a really bushy beard found him, when he was busy pissing behind an alley of a rather infamous tavern, and in his drunken stupor, thought the kid's scar on his forehead resembled something like a question mark, he took him in. So began his climax and downfall known as the "Boy who survived being tossed in a trash can" (or – "the boy who survived" for short).

_Act I; Scene I_

HAGGARD – (picks up the screaming, wailing child by the foot, and stares at it) Mmm, better take him to Dumbledweeb, he'll know what 'ter do. And stop crying you lil' faggot! (smacks child) Geez, the sooner I drop him off, the sooner I can get back 'ter me beer.

LATER…

_Act I; Scene II_

_enters _HAGGARD – Oy! Dumbledweeb!

DD – One second, Haggard, dear. Let me finish this level of Tetris… Yes. You were saying, Haggard?

HAGGARD – I found him in me dumpster that I was trying to piss in.

DD – Oh dear.

HAGGARD – Yeah, he smelt like funk the whole trip down here. Take him, and don need him (tosses child at DD, and turns to exit)

DD – (gasps, horrified) Haggard! The child! It nearly fell on its head!

HAGGARD – (turns back around) Eh? Oh. A lil fall never hurt no one. Why me mum dropped me on me head every other day, and look at me now!

DD – (covers the baby's ears, defensively) Hush, Haggard, you'll scare the poor child.

HAGGARD – Any ways, better be going off. Eh, Dumbledweeb?

DD – Yes, Haggard?

HAGGARD – Eh, don the messenger get any thing? (holds out hand for a little $$)

DD – Yes, here. Take this dirty diaper on your way out. It's soiled, filled with a weeks worth of… well, you know. Here.

_Act I; Scene III_

AUNT POTHEAD – (knocks on the door) Harry, dear! Time to get out of the bathroom…

HAIRY FAIRY – Shut up you ol' hag. Go away.

AUNT POTHEAD – Um, Hairy dear? You're not… you're not cutting yourself again, are you?

HAIRY FAIRY – (mutters) stupidoldbat.

A M – What was that dear?

HAIRY FAIRY – So what if I am? Sod off!

A M - Um, okay, dear.

HAIRY FAIRY – And what do you care anyway? Go feed your whale-of-a-son, Dumpy.

A M – Um, all right. (meekly leaves)

HAIRY FAIRY – Ah. Finally. Now I can enjoy my porn in peace.

Knock on the door

H F – (groans) Who is it _now_?

UNCLE VERMON – It's me! Your Uncle Vermon! You have mail, you ungrateful lil' bast-

HAIRY FAIRY – (opens door) Is it the latest addition of Playboy!

UNCLE VERMON – _No_, it's – Playboy, you said?

H F – Nothing, never mind. So what is it?

UNCLE VERMON – How the heck should I know? It's not like _I'd_ ever go through your mail. But it's from some one named Dumbledweeb, or other.

H F – Oh no… That idiot has been trying to get me to help his campaign for Minister of Magic, ever since he found me in the dumpster. He should of just left me there to rot.

(opens letter)

H F – Oh, it's worse.

U V – What is it?

H F – He wants me to go to some school for the "Specially Gifted."

U V – But you _are _gifted, son. You have the highest SAT score in the district, and every college is just drooling to let you in, even though you're only 11, and, why, Dumpy's IQ would never measure up to yours. Like I always say, you can accomplish anything if you set your mind to it.

H F – Yeah right, you horny little ingrate. You're just thinking about my Playboy.

U V – Can I see it?

H F – Here you go.

MUCH later…

_Act I; Scene IV_

H F – So this is Hogwish. What smells?

ROONIL WIZIL – Hi, there! I'm Roon. Nice to meet you, who are you?

H F – (rolls eyes; aside) Oh, great. "Gifted" all right. (to Roon) If you must know, Roon, I'm Hairy Porter-Potty.

ROONIL WIZIL – Hairy Porter-Potty, you say? Geez, who would name you that?

NARRATOR – This coming from a guy named Roonil Wizil.

H F – Hairy, because the guy who found me had more fur than an grizzly bear in summer time, and Porter-Potty, because… he was taking a piss when he found me. So, you're my new best friend, I suppose?

R W – Of course! Why else would the story introduce me so soon into it?

H F – (rolls eyes) Of course. Well, come on, Roon. We should see who else goes here.

R W – Right-o!

NARRATOR – So, the two friends went off to find the rest of the Hogwish students on their own. Meanwhile, inside the building, in a secluded room, in a dark corner somewhere.

_Act I; Scene V_

D D – (pacing around frantically) Haggard, what did you do? How am I ever going to correct this? I should have _never_ let you lead my campaign for Minister.

H – Jus' 'cause I slept with that woman, Monica Lewonski – or somethin' donna mean notin.

D D – Don't you realize what that means! My campaign has been ruined! My plot is lost! I told you never to trust a mooggle! Least of all _that _one…

H – Aww, sorry, Dumb-dweeb.

D D – And I told you never to call me that!

H – Er, right.

D D – There's only one thing that can save us now!

H – Er em, a miracle?

D D – No! A jump off a nice high bridge.

H – (stares out the window) Oy, Dumb-dweeb!

D D – I told you to never-

H – Look out the window.

D D – Why should I – (gasps) is that who I think it is?

H – (scratches head) Yar, I think em, so.

D D – Oh, Haggard! You beastly, brutish, ugly little miracle worker! It's Hairy, "The boy who survived"!

H – Yar.

D D – You're absolutely brilliant!

NARRATOR – And so, Dumb-dweeb, er, I mean, Dumbledweeb set to his plan for the rest of the year. Meanwhile, Hairy and Roon where making, er… new _friends_…

_Act II, Scene I_

R W – You're name is Horny Googer?

H G – Yes…

R W – And we're going to sleep in the hall across from you? (eyes shining brightly)

H G – Yes…

R W – Your hot.

H G – I know. (tosses hair, and looks up and down disdainfully at Roon) You're not very bright.

R W – I know. (pause) Will you marry me?

H G – (considers it) Oh. Sure, why not?

R W – Oy, Hairy! She said she'd marry me! We're gettin' married!

H F – That's nice. Listen, do you have a hot sister I could date?

NARRATOR – Um, let's save that for the sixth movie, Hairy.

R W – Er, I guess. Hey, is any one else hungry, or just me?

H F – Just you, but I suppose we'd better go to the Great Hallway, or else this story'll never progress.

NARRATOR – So the three new friends marched off to the Great Hallway.

_Act II, Scene II_

D D – Welcome, welcome, students, to a new year at Hogwish.

H F – Um, Headmaster-bater, there's only three of us.

D D - Of course. Well, to the three of you, expect this year to be really, REALLY difficult. Expect a lot of media to hound you for the truth – and in this case, from personal experience, I recommend that you LIE as though your life depended on it (which essential it does). Now, where was I?

H G – Expect a lot of media to hound you?

D D - Ah, yes. And every one will ask about your scar, Hairy, and call you "the boy who survived." But remember lie, lie, LIE! Um, where was I?

H G – The media will call Hairy "the boy who survived?"

D D – Ah, yes. And don't go into the Forbidden Forest, unless you want your deepest, and most INTIMATE desires to come true! (wiggles fingers)

H F – So essentially you want us to go in there?

D D – YES, my boy! YES!

H F – Are you done yet?

D D – Almost. And at the end of this year, you'll face you're darkest opponent yet, and until you defeat him, this movie'll never end.

H F – Noooo!

NARRATOR – And after that moment, Dumb-dweeb's words haunted Hairy to the bone.

H F – (continues) Noooo!

H G – Hairy, stop running around like a chicken with its head chopped off.

R W – No, that's way to the Forbidden Forest! Let's follow him!

_Act II; Scene III_

R W – (stops running and looks around at the dark, gloomy forest) Whoa, this is cool…

R W - Wow, that unicorn is really hot.

H G – Ron, noooo! (goes to Blair Witch Project mode) I'm so scared… who ever finds this camera… save us… (frowns) I'm so scared, in fact, that I soiled my robes.

NARRATOR – Mmm… hot fudge… Oh, what? I'm on? Oh, all right. And so this concludes the three friends' misadventures at the Forbidden Forest. The next morning, with a really bad hangover, Hairy woke up to face his first class of the day (and only class that we'll ever mention here) – Potions, with his arch nemesis, Professor Sniper.

_Act II; Scene IV_

PROFESSOR SNIPER – (illegally trading marijuana) What? Oh, it's just you kids. Haven't you died yet, Hairy?

H F – (aside to Horny Googer) I think he hates me.

H G – Nonsense.

P S – If any one does this assignment wrong, he'll be hung by his thumbs in the dungeon. (gleams and looks down at Hairy) Okay, Hairy, get to work.

H F – See?

LATER…

_Act II; Scene V_

H F – (rubbing his thumbs painfully) How do _you _pass all your classes, Horny?

H G – No reason. Any way, I need to buy a new box of condoms, Hairy, next time we visit Hogshorn.

NARRATOR – And so, after pages and pages of adventures, misadventures (which inevitably lead to Roon to lose his virginity to a unicorn), and loads and loads of foreshadowing, Hairy Porter-Potty faced his darkest, worst nemesis ever.

_Act III; Scene I_

(at Sea World)

H F – Professor Queer?

P Q – Yes, it is I, Professor Queer, and not Professor Sniper, whom you originally thought it was.

H F – Oh. So what are you doing here?

P Q – Well, I should think it obvious. I was looking for the Sorcerer's Stone.

H F – (gasps) Not the one that will make an endless supply of weed!

P Q – Yes, the same exact one. And we'll addict poor, defenseless young teens, who easily cave in under peer pressure, and then we'll all be stoned out of our brains!

H F – (dramatically) No! I can't let you do this! Think of the children!

P Q – Puh. This coming from the same Hairy Porter-Potty who watched porn, and read Playboy? Come, Hairy, join me, and your darkest, worst nemesis ever, Valmart.

H F – I admit I was wrong to do all those things. But I changed. And I won't let you do this.

P Q – (shrugs) Fine. Suit yourself. Avakadavera!

H F – (does a Matrix) (audience hears a crack) Ow. I knew that yoga class was a rip off.

P Q – Muhahaha! Now I got you where I want you.

H F – No, Professor Queer. Noo!

(P Q exits, and come back again, in a sexy slip)

P Q – Here, I slipped into something more comfortable. Hairy, you look tense, you need a massage. (starts massaging Hairy)

H F – It burns!

P Q – (pauses) What? Valmart? Oh, okay. Valmart wants to see you, Hairy. (takes off turban, and has the head of Britney Spears, with red eyes and black-slit pupils)

H F – (angry) That's it, I'm gonna kick your $3.99 dollar ass!

P Q – Ow!

H F – This'll teach you to roll back prices!

Matrix fighting

(Jaws music)

(a duck emerges from a pond stops the two from fighting)

P Q – Oh, so you bought reinforcements. You haven't seen the last of me. (does a Britney Spears dance maneuver – "hit me baby, one more time" - , throws a black shirt at Hairy's face)

EVERYTHING GOES BLACK

_Act III; Scene II_

(at the hospital wing)

H G – Hairy! Hairy! Are you alright?

R W – Yeah, you really had us worried, bud.

H G – Hairy, while you were away, Dumb-dweeb killed Valmart, and Professor Queer too! You're okay now! We don't need to make six more movies, after all!

ALL – Hurrah!

H G – Oh, and Roon and I tied the knot while you were out.

H F – How long was I out for?

H G – Um, six years.

NARRATOR – And so, a lot of misadventures where skipped over, just because Hairy lay unconscious for six years. Dumbledweeb's plans never came to, but he was content after all, because George Bush was re-elected, and he voted Republican.

THE END


End file.
